Note to self: Don’t read the side effects.

The black hole of chemo #4 was deep and dark. I felt myself disappearing, the grey fog of chemo enveloping my brain. I honestly do not trust myself during these bouts. I worry I’ll leave the cooker on, forget to lock the door, loose a child. It’s a very traumatic time for us all! Especially the kids. I see them watching me, worrying. I hear them asking me to play with them but just cannot summon the energy. I have difficulty describing the exact symptoms, as if during these days I know exactly what they are but as I climb out, I leave them and their description behind. I know I have a strange headache which makes me hide from light, movement and noise. My body feels 10 times heavier then usual, my legs, in particular, seem to be filled with sand. Hot flushes and teeth chattering cold fight for dominance. This round the nausea and headache rooted in, I was still struggling with these symptoms 10 days later so had to call the ‘Chemo Hotline’ for the first time. I imagined a light shining up into the sky with a caped superhero nurse answering the phone! I wasn’t far wrong. She listened sympathetically to my woes, “The chemo effect is accumulative and this round can be the hardest to combat” she said. Then she gave me the magic formula to fight it off. 2 days later I was feeling much better. I really should use these services more and earlier 🙄

The week improved, Woody had a long overdue haircut. Which he accepted with dignified grace…. We stood watching him. His head was hung low, his tail tucked under and he walked alone to the back of the house, turned, looked pitifully at me and then disappeared into the saloon…. Michelle and I were stood by the front door trying not to laugh out loud! Honestly what a drama queen, he gets massaged and preened for an hour then I pick him up. Dope. This time I collected him with his favourite person in tow, Aunty Shelley! His eyes lit up as we fussed over him, smelling his perfumed top knot! Then we took him for a well earned Luppolo lunch! It was wonderful to sit with Shelley, my bestie since we were 4 years old! Our mums, both since departed, used to tell us of our first meeting, sharing a toy pram handle in nursery! We have shared a lot more since. We are that pair where, one starts a story, half way through the other is already guffawing in anticipation of the punchline, the other starts to crack and can’t finish the story, so they both end up bent over hanging off each other trying not to pee their pants at what is essentially half a joke! Love her.

The bank holiday weekend arrived with sunshine bursting through the clouds and the cold, late spring, like a surprise birthday party! This was perfect timing as we all headed to Newcastle to see the whole family for the first time together since February 2020! This is such a long absence for our family, whom usually spend spring half term and a week in the summer together, with a sprinkling of weekends North and South in between. We dropped our luggage and the spruced up Woody to Jan and Andy’s as they were driving and we were taking the train. The train from Kings X to Newcastle is 3 hours with just 3 stops and is a pure joy! Racing past beautiful scenery, a blur of greens, towns and villages. Then a taxi ride to our hotel. We were all amazed by our view from our hotel window. The iconic Tyne Bridge stretching across the Tyne and the beautiful sleek Sage glistening away in the sun like a dropped disco ball, not a cloud in the sky. That evening we all met up in an Italian restaurant, I sported Rosie for the event! Gareth’s girlfriend Michelle did us all proud, she bought 3 different cakes with themed decorations for James’s 10th, Chloe’s 21st and my 50th! Then they all sang us happy birthday which was a cacophony of names and tunes! Joan, Steve’s Mum looked frail and had sadly had a fall the evening before so was sporting a huge purple cheek which looked so sore. I was able to spend a lot of the weekend sitting with Joan, which I relished, I wasn’t able to sit outside as it got dark, I found it too cold. The rest wore their beer coats, I sadly, am still not drinking. Please don’t mourn for me, I’ll rectify this after September! But I was more than happy to stay with Joan as flashes of her naughty sense of humour sneaked out! Then Sunday saw 17 People ranging from 78 to 6 and 3 dogs bumbling through Morpeth. The River Wansbeck is a shallow, babbling, wide river. There is a fabulous weir and wild life live right there bedside the footpath, herons & egrets just hunkered down, fishing, whilst humans stroll by with an ice cream. Then you come to the bit everyone loves, the stepping stones. Large flat stones stretch from one bank to the other. But their spacing is just far enough apart to make it exhilarating for the younger members of the family! The dogs and kids jumped into the river whilst the rest of us sat on the grassy bank, faces turned upwards to the long awaited sun. The evening was spent together in a gorgeous Indian restaurant called Simla, the owner called Shelley (not guffawing Shelley) told us the restaurant was named by her father, after the honeymoon region of India a place he longed to visit but after spending every Friday and Saturday in the Toon serving the pub and club fallouts, had died never realising his dream. I found this so sad. Anyway Steve and I thought we would toast the lovely couple Gareth and Michelle as they are about to move to a new house together with their big blended family. So we bought a couple of bottles of sparkly and Steve stood up “Excuse me everyone,” our families eyes swivelled toward him, as did the rest of the restaurants. “Gill and I wanted to say, we are so happy to see you all after such a long time and to share our wonderful news, Gill, is pregnant!” Screams of WHAT! And the faces of confusion of our family spun to look at me, I shrunk under the table calling Steve every name I could, baring in mind I was sat with his parents. After what seemed like 5 minutes Steve, fighting to speak said “only joking we wanted to say best of luck and all the love in the world to Gareth and Michelle as they embark on their future lives together.” Bloody idiot. I’ll never trust him to make a speech again. And with just a few more hours together, this was our Toon experience. Far too short but as the saying goes, very sweet. The train journey home was a bit more hectic as this time we had the added bonus of luggage and Woody. Although Woody went under the table and didn’t move until we got to Kings X. When the train pulled in I bent under the table to wake him, for a split second I thought he had passed over the rainbow bridge! He was so still and didn’t move as I touched him and called his name. Slightly alarmed I roughly rocked him and he sprung up banging his head off the seats, stumbling over the rucksacks and jumping into the aisle. The dude sitting across the aisle nearly fell out of his seat! “Blimey, I didn’t know you had a dog!” We laughed as Woody stood trying to gather himself. We think the culmination of the long car journey, sleeping in a strange place and the long walks must have exhausted him and the rocking motion of the train lulled him into a deep sleep. Our band then made its way to the underground to be met with boards informing us that the underground was basically shut. So began a 2 hour trudge across a hot, sticky, agitated London. Not the best end to a fabulous weekend. Half term week settled down and work ramped up, as I readied my next batch of customers for test.

Before you could say “St Bartholomew” I was back there. I attempted the spa joke again, you never know right? It fell as flat as it had the last time. I then took my seat to wait and see what would happen this time! This being round #5 meant I was to start a whole new drug regime. Herceptin & Docetaxel. Sitting here now, I thought for research purposes I would read the symptoms….I wish I had not!

Bruising and bleeding…of what? Anaemia, feeling sick, der! Diarrhoea (why can’t I spell that?) constipation (make your mind up) sore mouth, loss of appetite (chance would be a fine thing) feeling tired, hahahaha! Headaches, skin changes (into what 😱) redness of palms or soles of feet. Nail changes, delightful! Effect on the heart. Hold on What?!!! Muscle and joint pain, prolonged numbness or tingling of the hands or feet, hair loss, too late! Build up of fluid, schexy!
I just read *Alcohol. This medicine contains alcohol, your blood alcohol level will be above the legal limit to drive after treatment. Thank god for Uber! (Why does Uber auto correct to capital yet god doesn’t? 🤔)

Crickey! 🤢 Because these are new drugs I was given them over a six hour session, the nurses stopped and started the IV, watching me like hawks, waiting for me to self combust or for a limb to clatter to the floor? I had thought myself smart when I was first through the doors and selected the window seat. Unfortunately this was to be the hottest day of the year so far and as I and my IV bag heated up the beady eyed nurse suddenly bustled over and swished the curtains shut, I was glad of the shade but sadly missed the entire day. When I finally stumbled out into the sunshine, the shadows of London towns tall buildings stretched across the roads. The Uber driver arrived in the typical Prius with Magic FM blaring away. At first I popped my head phones on thinking to listen to my current pod cast. But the lure of Luther Vandross tore me away and I then spent the next 40 minutes reminiscing with the driver about concerts we had attended in our yuff! He got a huge tip after that journey as I had truly forgotten the last six hours!

Now I start the unknown week. What will this drug do to me? Will I escape the skin changes and nail dropping symptoms? Will my bowels make their mind up? It’s with a nervous wave I bid you farewell until next time! Thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate everyone of your messages, smiles, elbow bumps and tin foiled offerings! The prayers and good wishes must be working as I truly feel blessed.
See you on the other side! 😬