Give me an ice cream scoop.

Where did I leave you? Oh yes, waiting for the results of the 19 Vacuum Biopsies. During this wait, our lockdown world began to open up! I also found myself turning 50. I’m not entirely sure how this happened! (Inside every 50 year old, is someone scratching their head wondering what happened to their 30’s?) I guess if you are going to have a big birthday whilst having ‘The Cancer’ you might as well celebrate in style! And I did! With a family food-fest party on the Sunday and then on the day, an early morning  dog walkers Prosecco Party in the park. It was absolutely freezing, but I was very emotional as a ton of my friends dragged their dogs out to help warm up my frozen heart, hands and feet!

Kerry arrived after the party and whisked me off too Stratford, where we avoided the madness outside Primark, wth is that all about? And raced around M&S on a bra shopping spree. Currently their changing rooms are closed so we hatched a cunning plan. I bought 6 bras all in different styles and sizes. We then popped off to the toilets and I tried them on in the loo! I could hear my neighbours coming and going as I struggled in and out of the Lacy Flopper Stoppers! My elbows banging against the partition walls and my grunting and growling must have caused a few to flee before completing their business! I made my selection and returned the ones I didn’t want. Kerry also made me throw my ‘old faithful’ in the bin, as she decided it probably had been through enough and deserved a burial at sea. The sea wasn’t nearby so it was tossed in a Westfield bin.

I was returned home in time for Helen the Hairdresser to pop in to sort that bloody Sandra out. I had not been able to bring myself to wear Sandra the wig for a few days now. I felt frumpy and old fashioned in my ‘Mum Do.’ Luckily one of my buddy’s had spotted Helen on Facebook advertising her ‘wig personalisation services’ (oooo get her!) I had asked if I needed to be present whilst she whipped Sandra into shape, I now imagine that millisecond pause on the phone was a ‘🙄’ moment for Helen. “Yes Gill, you need to be there.” 🤦🏽‍♀️ So there I was sat in a gown having my syrup trimmed. (My worlds gone effing mad.) Copious amounts of synthetic hair was flying round the conservatory as Helen tackled the Mum Do. Kerry had stayed as I don’t think she trusted Helen, me or Sandra to behave. Eventually Helen said “right go and look” I was amazed. Sandra had been transformed. Sarsha was born! Helen left as swiftly as she had arrived, leaving me wonder if that had really just happened? What a surreal time. Then along with half of Britain we dragged the kids and 8 friends to a freezing cold beer garden to finish off the celebrations and kick start our world again!  I just want to thank everyone for their kind messages of love and support. I’m a lucky lady! 💕

The next day saw the return of my Driving School! I was super excited to see my pupils again and to help them regain their driving confidence! I had warned them all of Sandra but still felt the need to point out my head was sporting an imposter! Sarsha! I don’t know why I can’t just ignore the elephant in the room. But even in shops I find myself tempted to lift it up a centimetre to show the checkout girl my baldy bonce. Almost as if to stop them saying, after I’ve gone, “who does she think she’s fooling?” I have found 2 moles on the side of my head that to my mind are big enough to replicate gun shot wounds. One day I was in the Greggs queue (don’t judge)  a kid was staring at my head. For just a moment I considered lifting Sarsha and giving the kid a fright! It was a passing moment. But it would have stopped him staring at anyone for the rest of his life. My customers on the other hand were extremely complimentary about Sarsha. But within seconds I had forgotten she was there, as the lessons consumed me. It was pure joy to be out of my head for the hour and half. During one of my lessons my phone rang. I never would answer my phone during a lesson obviously, but my gut instinct told me this was the hospital. I asked my customer to park up and if they didn’t mind me taking this call? “Hello Gill, Dr here from Whipps. I’m afraid we didn’t get enough cells from your last biopsies and we need you to attend the hospital for an MRI guided Biopsy.” Because my pupil was sat next to me I was unable to explode in the car, screaming “19 biopsies and you didn’t get enough? Give me an ice cream scoop I’ll do it for you.” Instead I simply had to say “when?” So this Tuesday will see me return to the scene of the previous 3 crimes for another craic. I spent the rest of the lesson trying to push the lump in my throat down.  

My energy levels continue to dip. I manage two lessons then slip into a funk, unable to move or think. I’m always surprised by this, deep down I haven’t admitted I’m sick. I feel on the whole unchanged. (Except for the Dr Evil impersonation every time I see my reflection!) but I am suddenly aware I have boundaries. If I want to go shopping I need to drop some other activity in the day. If the bathroom needs cleaning, you can forget the ironing etc. It’s become a scheduling nightmare. I need to do certain things every day and these deplete my energy levels leaving my sprawled on the sofa watching whatever was left on the tv before anyone left the room.

Now I must go get ready to see my Oncologist for what my sister assures me is just a ‘How are you doing?’ Rather than a ‘Strip off we need to stab you.’ Fingers crossed she is right!