Ring My Bell 🔔

I didn’t sleep for three nights straight, following the seventh chemo. I was like a manic, wired robot. I was either talking fast, moving fast or in charging mode. Slumped in chairs, staring into the middle distance. I felt hung over, not the hung over from a heavy night, but the hung over after a weekend of partying hard and drinking home brew! 😵‍💫

During this phase we headed off to the eagerly awaited camping holiday in Dorset with 13 of our nearest and dearest. Jess and I were staying in a shepherds hut but drove the boys and their tent to the campsite first. Jan and Andy had already pitched in the far top corner of the field with views of the hills rolling down to the sea. A truly beautiful spot. But we also had a great view of the black clouds tumbling up hill towards us! As quickly as we could, we began to get the tent unpacked, Steve crawled in just as the cloud arrived and promptly dumped a small lakes worth of rain onto us! We all huddled under the central marque, watching the caterpillar form of Steve, trapped under canvas! So much rain fell that it took all of us to lift the flooded tent and release Steve, shockingly he hadn’t transformed into a butterfly! But the field had turned to mud, making driving more like sliding! Getting back up the hill became a sport! 

Job done, Jess and I headed off to hunt our hut. Jess was the navigator and was in peels of laughter as she turned us into Butt Lane 🙄 the van literally just fitted between the hedgerows.  I was just getting nervous, hearing the far off sounds of banjo’s, when suddenly we arrived in Venn Farm! As we turned into our parking space, our mouths fell open! A charming little wagon sat on wheels greeted us, with flowers climbing the sides and wooden steps leading to the door. Jess and I raced each other out of the van and to the steps! Charging up, squealing in excitement with visions of a drenched, muddy campsite fading! The inside was as charming as the outside, with a Welsh dresser and small table with a kettle and breakfast paraphernalia on and at the far end stood a huge double bed! Horses were in the field next to us, chickens wandered round freely, and the staccato bleat of sheep cut through the peace. 

Jess and I were in our kind of heaven! Suddenly Dave the farmer appeared at the door and said in a strong Dorset accent, “calm down girls, you’ll upset the chooks!” He then showed us round the farm, we had a play room, with a running machine, piano, ride on toys, a football table, ping-pong, darts board and more. Every morning Jess was on the running machine! Playing ‘Chop Sticks’ following the chickens round for their eggs and riding round the barn on the trikes! It was magical and I highly recommend it! 

During the days we spent our time with the family, either on day trips out to towns and the surrounding villages, ‘Beer’ being a favourite! Or on the beach, where paddle boards and a canoe appeared out of bags and everyone raced into the sea! I was feeling exhausted and spaced out on this day, it was particularly hot and I sat in my tub chair, not able to connect with my surroundings. The kids and dog were being entertained, so I was able to zone out. I get an allergic reaction to this chemo and develop an angry rash across my face, with the sun beating down on my skin I became extremely distracted, I had an overwhelming urge to scrape my skin off. Anything to stop the crawling ant-like feeling I was being tormented by. I decided to take a walk to the shop. One of those campsite Spar places that doubles the price of every item. I spent a mortgage on lunch and strolled back out into the sun. Everyone around me was beaming, enjoying this gift of a day. I felt cheated out of it. Slumped back in my chair I just stared.

In the evenings Jess or myself made our excuses early and bolted back to the hut! Face packs on, the iPad playing a Disney movie and hot chocolate were just what the doctor ordered! James and Steve were in their kind of heaven, sleeping under the tent carpet as Steve forgot to pack their sleeping bags! (Day 2 we replaced them obviously!) 😂

One day after an excursion we returned to discover another pesky cloud had rolled over the campsite, this time joined by strong winds which blew the rain straight into Steve’s tent. I was bailing the water out with a frying pan and everyone was untethering the tent. On a count of ‘3’ we all grabbed canvas and moved in a clockwise direction. The tent landed with the door facing uphill and we all applauded our efforts. Effort being the main word here. I felt myself getting dizzy and my heart was beating very fast. I felt the colour drain from my face. I was worried I was going to faint and didn’t want to scare the kids so headed for the van. Steve spotted me and followed, “shall I take you back to the hut for a rest?” He wisely suggested. I got back and lay down, the next real memory I have was waking up the next morning with jess snuggled up beside me. I had more or less slept 15 hours straight. And I felt loads better for it! 

That day we headed to Weymouth and I was feeling much more present. I loved every minute of that day. In the evening we all sat round the camp fire playing trivial pursuit. Jess and I didn’t leave until it was dark and we drove wearily out of the packed camp site, watching out for guide ropes and children! As we drove along the narrow lane to head to the hut, a fallow fawn jumped out of the hedgerow! The lights of the van caused it to stand still, locked on our approach. Jess was squealing with delight. I stopped the van and dipped the lights, the spell was broken but instead of jumping back into safety the bloody thing trotted along in front of us! I was becoming convinced we would be sharing the hot chocolate and our bed with Bambi! I decided to park up and switch the engine and lights off completely to allow it to gain its bearings. Jess was begging me to let her keep it. 😳 Finally it jumped up into the hedge and was gone. A charming moment! 

Not so charming was the phone call I received at 2:30am from Steve asking me to come get James and him, as the tent had been destroyed by storm Evert. Winds of 75mph had swept through the campsite which had hardly a spare inch between tents. When we arrived, I was shocked to see the site was now only half full, most tents that remained, were flat or twisted awkwardly out of shape. Rubbish and debris was flying round the site and it was a hive of activity as the remaining campers scrambled to save their belongings! When we reached our lot, 2 of the 5 tents were packed away, 1 was mid way through being dismantled but was badly damaged, 1 stood proudly upright and its occupants, Richard and Tracey were attempting to go back to sleep! Our tent was like something out of the Wizard of Oz! Most of the contents had been either blown out or soaked! Steve was subdued, James was like a kite, dancing around excitedly recounting the nights events. I had to put Jess back in the van as she was nearly blown away! We decided to leave the tent to the elements, go back to the hut and come back in the morning when it was light and calmer. We didn’t even get to say goodbye to our family as everything was so manic and the wind so violent. A cramped and uncomfortable night then ensued…. For me. Steve put his camp mattress down on the floor, climbed into his sleeping bag and passed out. James, Jess & the dog starfished across my bed, leaving me with 3” on the edge. I gave up sleep and watched a movie! Gone with the Wind! 💨 

In the morning we headed back to the camp site to survey the damage. It was extensive. Almost every tent had gone. Either destroyed or packed up and heading to their shed for another year. Our tent, which we have had for 7 years, was in a very sorry state. The inside was soaked, the hooks connecting the outer tent to the inner tent were either torn apart or hanging by a thread. The carbon fibre poles were so badly splintered that they stuck through the canvas like a porcupine had stampeded through it. It was obvious it needed to be binned, Steve was distraught! Rolling round on the canvas pretending to cry, screaming “Nooooo” the kids and I were laughing! Sadly the bin won and we drove home a lot lighter! 

The following week I saw my final clients through their tests and closed Woody’s School of Motoring down until after my operation. I was both relieved to finish and sad to stop. My customers and the job itself, had kept me sane through this turbulent time. But I need to rest. 

The following weekend two of my closest friends took me away to Norfolk. Sadly the weather was still not behaving itself! But we loved village hopping, cafe trying, shopping and just being together. Something we realised we actually never do. Usually we try to meet for dinner one evening every month or so, this is a few snatched hours between family life or work. We all relaxed quickly into the weekend, Rupa has taken up crocheting since becoming a Gran 3x! And spent every spare moment bent over her needles, giggling away listening to Kerry and I recounting memories of our first meeting or conferences long ago! One evening we were all exhausted, following a day of driving round Norfolk trying to stay ahead of the clouds! So we decided to get a take away and watch a movie in Kerry’s room. The hotel was deserted in the evening, with just a lamp on, on the front desk and a sign saying ‘Call these numbers if your require assistance’ we needed crockery and cutlery, so Rupa and I with iPhone torches held aloft, crept into the hotel kitchen. The whole place was stainless steel and I had strong flashbacks of the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park! After slamming my fingers in a sliding cupboard door we finally gave up, called the number and they talked us through the maze and to our quarry! Plates and cutlery sourced, we headed up and watched a scary movie whilst we ate Chinese. Poor Rupa looked like she was gonna drop a stitch! I loved our time together and hope we carve out more of these going forwards. 

Reality crashed over me on Monday as I headed to Barts for my last Oncologist appointment! I was in denial as I sat down in the waiting room following the receptionist informing me “we are running on time today.” I popped my head phones on, thinking ‘my eye you are’ just as the oncologist walked out and said with a big grin “Gill?” She was the Oncologist Steve and I had first meet all those months ago before my chemo begun. She asked how I had coped and we discussed the side effects I was battling; oral thrush, the facial rash, the extreme exhaustion. I said I had gained weight, even my eyelids were fat! One of my neighbours thought I had been punched in the face, I said “No I bleeding wish!” Sadly she said there was nothing she could do to alleviate the symptoms but luckily this was my last round so I would only have to suffer one more time 🤞🏻I can handle that! 😁Wednesday I headed off to Whipps for my last blood test! Everything felt celebratory! Whilst I was out an Igloo was being erected in our back garden! No the weather hadn’t continued the downward spiral, this was an igloo experience my Dad and Sisters had bought me for my 50th back in April! But we had spoken with the company and asked if we could delay it to coincide with my final chemo! A double whammy of celebrations begun! The igloo came with 4 memory foam mattresses, a 4K projector, 100” screen and a fire stick! We had organised for Jess to have a play date on the Thursday and James on the Friday. I say we, I had organised them but poor Steve was left holding the baby or 6 and 10 year olds as I had appointments both days!

Thursday, Kerry (who is a font of knowledge about cancer and the operations I am to undergo) came with me to Whipps X hospital to meet my surgeon. He was a kind faced, middle aged man. Softly spoken and with a ready smile and laugh! He discussed my chemo and then looked at my mammograms. He said the cancer in the right breast was extensive and there was still concerns about the left breast. He then talked about his own career and experiences. And then this lead to the ‘Tit Flicks’ oh my goodness. This was a show I would not pay to see! Before and after shots of his patients, some operations carried out because of cancer, some via the plastic surgery route. Some of the before pictures he showed us were terrifying! Kerry and I both jumped and physically backed away from the desk! Some of the after pictures made me think of a saying my Dad used to use for boss-eyed people, “He’s got Football eyes” he would say, waiting a beat before continuing “one home, one away” I wondered this aloud, “is it normal for them to look, odd?” I tentatively ventured. He laughed and said “these pictures are taken following first surgeries, many times I go back in and tweak the work until I and the patient are happy.” I think some tweaking was definitely in order in a few of these cases! Different options were discussed, I was given different types of silicone to feel, the plasticky shell was unpleasant to touch and the nurse saw me recoil. She explained that the shell can be covered by fat removed from my stomach or bum. I brightened up! Then she got a chocolate box down off a shelf. Kerry and I both leant forward eagerly thinking, well this is more like it. When suddenly she flipped open the lid revealing a layer not of strawberry creams but rubber stick on nipples 🤢 I’ll never think of the Milk Tray man in the same way. I have a few weeks to think my options through but I really think my mind was made up easily. I liked the surgeon and felt he was interested and bothered about my life after this operation. He wants to do his best by me and that was a reassuring feeling to leave the meeting with.

Then Friday as Steve welcomed 8, ten year old boys into the igloo, I begun my 8th and final chemo session! I had been told tale of the bell I am to ring at the end of this gruelling period and mentioned it to my oncologist, “oh no, Barts don’t have a bell. No one has sorted it out!” What? No one has sorted a simple bloody bell out for us to ring and signify we did it! We made it through some of the scariest medicines you’ll encounter? We are bald, puffy and exhausted! And we don’t get to ring a friggin bell? Well! I was straight onto Amazon and when I walked into the ward on Friday I handed the nurses a box. They all peered inside and burst out laughing as one extracted an old hand held school bell! I said “I’m first to ring that bastard!” And so I was!

I headed home to my family and the igloo! We spent the night in the igloo watching ‘The Shining’ (the kids picked this ok!🤦🏼‍♀️) now Jess is walking round with a face drawn on her finger and insists it’s called Bobby, she even talks in that croaky voice for him! And she is now planning to con her mate into going ‘Trick or Treating’ this year as the twins…. What have we done to this poor child! 

Sunday we got up at 6am and headed to Blackpool! We stayed in an hotel overlooking the beach. I had booked afternoon tea at the ballroom in the tower! We were all wowed as we entered the ballroom, Strictly Come Dancing came alive for us! Tea was served with the kids bug eyed at the cakes, meanwhile elderly people spun each other round the bouncy ballroom to the Wurlitzer on the stage! A surreal and very fun afternoon! What better way to follow it than to take the kids to the Pleasure Beach? Big Dippers, roller coasters and carousels tried to get us all to throw up but we are made of stronger stuff than that! I think the mental hurdle of knowing this was my final chemo helped me battle the side effects for those first few days. By Monday they all came tumbling down onto me. But we are now ensconced in the caravan, nestled in the Lake District so I am able to let the side effects crash over me without feeling cheated out of anything again.

I’m proud of myself looking back over these past 7 months. I am glad I continued to work, I know the kids and Steve dragged me through the worst days with their ready fun and hugs aplenty. I hope the operation is a success and I do not have to undergo more chemo after as although I survived, I bloody well don’t want to go toe to toe with that ever again. 

So now I look forward. Forward to the operation, recovery and hopefully clean bill of health. To getting a pixie cut, eyebrows and shaving my legs again, (ok maybe not the last bit!) But most of all, I look forward to never looking back. 

Thank you for following my journey! I hope I have made you laugh along the way, but I also hope you have gained an insight into something I hope none of you have to face in the future.

Keep checking those boobs girls, it may just save your life.